FTT

Side note - Jason started this blog as a way to keep family updated on Rachel's life as she grew.  It has now transformed into somewhat of a journal that I (Meggan) write as Jason is too busy and I enjoy it.  This blog entry is honest, from the heart, and perhaps written more for me to decompress than it is to be a happy line of communication to our family and friends.

Thurs Oct 13th was Rachel's first birthday!  Wow.  We did not do anything different than any other Thursday, except that Rachel wore her black and pink PUMA tracksuit and a clip in her hair, and looked very old :)

Today, Oct 14th, she went to the doctor for her 12 month check up and immunizations.  We really like our new doctor and the clinic.  I felt like we had time with our doctor and that she listened, asked questions, etc.  However, there are a few concerning things going on with Rachel.  The most significant is that she has only gained a few ounces of weight in the last four months.  She weighs a mere 17lbs.  Her head is growing fine.  Her length continues to be around the 75th percentile.  But her weight has gone down from the 50th percentile to the 2nd percentile.  The doctor had some significant concerns about this, since a drastic change in growth is considerably more alarming than being consistently small. 

For a first time mom, this is anxiety-provoking news.  I had suspected Rachel wasn't gaining weight well.  I am keen to explore tests and options.  But when the doctor said that Rachel was "...failing to thrive..." I nearly burst into tears.  I know what the doctor meant by this in terms of weight and nutrition.  But the emotional response was still significant when I heard this particular phrase.

FTT is the medical abbreviation for 'failure to thrive'.  In my experience as a physical therapist, I have seen this written on many charts.  There are mainly two populations that I have seen it written as: struggling newborns who are really sick, and elderly patients near the end of life who are not eating and are also very ill.  Obviously the doctor did not mean to lump Rachel into either of these categories, and she didn't even mean that Rachel is very sick.  But I still want to scream "Rachel IS thriving!  She's a happy girl!  She will giggle and learn and explore and clap and kiss you and color with a crayon and try to walk!"

I'm trying to get past this phrase, since it's really just an issue of semantics.  

So we're going to have some blood, urine, and allergy testing done.  And we had a discussion about Rachel's eating habits, and came up with options for trying to get her to pack on some more pounds.  Basically now we have one month to try to get Rachel to eat and drink as much as possible to hope that she will put on some weight.

For those of you who have had the pleasure of eating with Rachel, you may be shocked.  Rachel can really pack it away.  She eats all the time.  A great breakfast, lunch, and dinner and breast milk and she snacks almost all the time that she's awake.  It's going to be a real challenge to try and get MORE into her, since I already feel like most of my energy in a day goes toward getting her food ready and satisfying her non-stop hunger.

(And let's not forget that Rachel's Daddy eats non-stop and gets pretty darn grumpy if he doesn't eat every few hours!)

Perhaps it is because I'm now a full time mother, and do not have too many other things going on in my life - I think this puts a bit more pressure on me to do a good job of being a parent because it's all I do.  Or perhaps it's because I've attached a lot of pride to making almost all of Rachel's food and helping her eat well.  Maybe it's because she has been a frequent eater since she was born and hasn't stopped eating since!  But I'm absolutely crushed to think that we've worked so hard to help her eat and (eat and eat and) eat well when she eats... and that it hasn't been good enough. 

I have a tiny bit more insight now into how emotional it must be for my brother Jeff and sister-in-law Janelle to have 2/3 children with Celiac disease.  I've always known it would be a lot of work and expense, but the emotion tied to health and to food is intense.

The other tough part for me to swallow is that I likely haven't been providing Rachel with enough breast milk.  Hopefully this is all that is going on, and now that she has started drinking whole milk she will get more and catch up.  But when we discussed how much milk Rachel should have been getting in a day, there was no way that we were getting her enough.  I feel terrible about this!  Particularly since Rachel has always fed more frequently than her peers, and in August I actually worked hard to get her DOWN to three sessions of nursing a day.  Now I'm going to see if I can zip back UP to four sessions!  It is possible that training for a marathon was not the healthiest thing for me in terms of milk supply and being a nursing mother.

So... cross your fingers that Rachel eats and drinks non-stop for the next month, puts on some weight, and comes to her next doctor's appointment giggling and thriving!

Tonight, Pops (my Dad) arrives in town and Saturday we're going to have a casual birthday celebration at the park with Rachel's friends.  Pictures after that, I promise.

Also, my very fantastic friend Jehanne will marry her handsome groom Nick tomorrow in Tofino, and I'm sending them excellent vibes for a brilliant wedding day!