Rushing a toddler is a bad idea.
We try to get the three of us out of the house most mornings by 7am. And it's getting harder and harder. Rachel is pickier and slower with everything. Getting dressed, eating breakfast, getting into the car, saying good-bye at daycare all seem to take way longer than they should. It's very challenging to get to work on time for the person dropping her off! It can take 10 minutes to get her to wear shoes. Some mornings I've taken her to school without shoes on, thrown them at the teacher and said 'help!' and ran away. I'm sure on those mornings the teacher laughs at the crazy lady who is half dressed, hasn't brushed her teeth or hair, and is rushing out with extra toddler clothes falling out of my arms.
The other end of the day isn't any easier. Although we've always prided ourselves on a good bedtime routine, our routine length recently has been getting longer and longer and longer. I actually think that in every capacity, Rachel's ability to perform any task has been getting slower and slower. Probably she knows how to delay getting dressed for school in the morning or getting pajamas on at night as a stalling technique. She is good at testing every possible thing, pushing buttons, and manipulating and negotiating. But she is also a very distractable 2.5 year old.
Take this evening. Jason is away, and my patience with Rachel when I'm solo with her hour after hour wears thin. I was only half paying attention during bath because I was trying to clean the bathroom at the same time, and I paid for it. Before long, Rachel was 'cleaning the tub' herself, and had water all over the place. I removed her from the tub and told her bath was over because she couldn't keep the water inside the bath tub, and this resulted in a major breakdown. As she screamed in her room for a minute, I started laundry, and then returned to her to try and comfort her.
After convincing her to get into her pajamas (which took 10 minutes and we had another meltdown because her favorites were in the wash) and have snack, I stupidly asked her an open-ended question about what she would like for snack. She suggested melon. So I went downstairs and got out the melon and milk. She followed me down and said 'No melon. Applesauce and cheerios please.' So I put the melon away and gathered up everything to go back upstairs to our snack table. We picked snacking upstairs at night time thinking it would be easier to eat snack quickly upstairs then coming downstairs to eat snack and go back up again (wrong!).
Upstairs she asked for pants because she was cold in her new nightgown. And then she asked for reindeer slippers. And she was taking down her other food. And then she asked for pears. So I reluctantly went downstairs and got pears, and came up to find out that she had spilled her milk. And I just about yelled at her but, instead, I quietly cleaned it up and sat down. She politely asked for more milk. And I debated but I went downstairs and got her more milk.
I lay down beside the snack table, tired and hoping bedtime would arrive finally. I started stretching my back and Rachel started with questions:
'Mommy what are you doing?'
'I'm stretching my back.'
'Why?'
'Because my back is sore from going up and down the stairs so many times and stretching it out makes it feel better.'
'Why?'
'Because it feels good for my body.'
'Why?'
'Because the baby in Mommy's tummy makes her back hurt sometimes'
'Well that's not nice of the baby, Mommy.'
(Mommy doesn't respond because she doesn't know how she got herself into this mess.)
'Mommy after snack can I do exercises with you?'
'No, honey. We need to finish your snack, brush teeth, read stories, and go night night without any more play time.'
'And then after bed, we can lie down and lift our backs up together so the baby doesn't hurt your back?'
(Mommy smiles.)
A few mintues later, Rachel gathers up her dishes and heads to the sink, which is the first time she's ever brought her dishes anywhere. She tries to climb up the bathroom step stool and I help her take her empty food bowl and milk cup, which still has milk in it. She stands up, tells me she has to wash her dishes, and tries to grab dishes from me. Sensing the stalling tactic and more water everywhere, I remove the small dish and ask her if she is all done milk. She says 'yes, and I'm going to pour my milk down the sink' and I say 'No. That's a waste of milk. If you are not going to drink the milk, I will have it.' and I drink the milk. She starts screaming and crying away. I cannot console her. She screams 'I wanted to drink the milk! I wanted to drink the milk! I wanted the milk.' over and over, unable to stop or catch her breath or listen to reason.
I give up trying to brush her teeth, pick her up, bring her into her room, and force her into a snuggling position in her reading chair. The screaming stops instantly as soon as I open our new Fire Station book that Steph and Paige just bought us, and she quietly snuggles in for stories and goes to sleep without any more troubles.
I spend the next 3 hours trying to catch up on all my work that I've neglected lately and prepare to go to sleep again without taking the time to stretch or listen to my hypnobabies CD that I'm supposed to listen to every night in order to prepare my for pushing this mean baby that hurts my back out of me.
Can't wait for Jason to get home on Sunday! He, by the way, spent a great evening at Disneyland. I sincerely hope he had an awesome time.
April 26, 2013
April 25, 2013
April blizzards bring May changes
I keep meaning to post something, but I have been slacking recently in taking photos. Partly this is because we recently purchased new phones (our old ones were only 1.5 years old but dying awful deaths and very out of date, apparently). Our new iphone 5s have cameras on them and we have been playing with these cameras. I have no idea how to use half the things on my phone yet, including uploading these pictures to this blog.
So April has been busy with the following things:
1) Pops. Sadly, Rachel was not feeling well during this visit and fighting off her 700th cold on the winter. I took 2 days off in hopes to play with them both, but all that really meant was no work for me and lots of extra snuggles with a grumpy toddler. Rachel wouldn't let her Dad or her Pops do much of anything with her for 3 days. Pops did go birding in town, did shop for some fun gear, did keep our house clean, and we did go watch the Canucks lose to the Avalanche in an exciting hockey game. We also took him up to Breckenridge but variable clouds and high winds meant that Jason skied a half day while the rest of us went to the pool.
As soon as Pops left, Rachel missed him and was asking for him and wanting to play with him all the time.
2) Steph and Paige. My very lovely friend Steph (aka Barney) came to visit with her 6 month old Paige. Paige is adorable and makes having another baby inspiring and exciting again. Rachel got to practice being a big helper, and Steph made quite an impact on Rachel. In fact, Rachel had a really difficult time leaving Steph and Paige to go to school. Paige experienced her first time in the pool, first zoo trip, some new first solid foods, and her first swing ride. We went on a nice hike, played at the farmer's market, walked around town, and spent lots of time playing in the house.
3) Ridiculous weather. Every single Mon/Tues in April we have had a snowstorm. At first, this was entertaining. Monday, however, the humor and excitement ended when we got blasted in the face with high winds cutting snow through us as we walked home from the pool. Visitors have had to be prepared for weather from 25 degrees to 75 degrees on any given day. It's making work challenging for both of us, transportation annoying for us all, the ski hills amazing now that they are closed, running and hiking challenging. We're ready for spring, warm weather, and capri pants. I can't fit into my winter pants anymore!
4) Birthdays and celebrations - I turned 34 on the 19th and we celebrated our 6th anniversary on the 21st. Also, on the 22nd it was Pops' 69th birthday. Friday night of the 19th we ordered in yummy thai dinner and had friends over. Strangely, the guests at my birthday party were the same guests at Rachel's birthday party! We had a really nice time catching up with local friends we have missed lately. Jason surprised me with a yummy ice cream cake (obviously the best kind of cake there is).
5) Sad news. Still shaken by the events of the Boston Marathon. But on a more personal level, a great family friend of ours, Sven, who my parents have known since college, recently lost his battle with cancer. In fact, he passed away on my Dad's birthday - poor Pops! Sven was an active, adventurous, enthusiastic man who was welcoming and kind to all those around him. We are sad for this loss and our thoughts are with his family and my parents. I tried to explain this to Rachel tonight and she, later, came up with "Let's call Pops and tell him we are sorry he is sad" ...and then (in reference to Jason's Dad) ... "like Grandpa Ray died. We will have to find another Grandpa Ray" ... to which I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
6) Baby! I'm 30 weeks and much more excited now than I was 3 weeks ago. My belly seems to be really growing now and I'm definitely slowing down. I'm in a better head space about all of this and quite excited. The baby is growing well, kicking lots, and in a good head-down and ready-to-stay-there-until-it's-time position. I am healthy, although hypoglycemic, and have gained 23 pounds so far. My pelvis is a bit less painful than it was 3 weeks ago but still bothers me most days. Baby appointments are every 2 weeks until 36 weeks, where we will have another ultrasound, and then go to appointments week by week.
7) Ketchup and syrup. Rachel is becoming a pickier... well, everything. Eater, for sure. She wants to put ketchup and/or syrup on everything and wants to make pancakes or waffles every day. She has a handful of foods she eats all the time and the little eat-anything veggie-lover we used to have is changing.
8) Tantrums. Rachel is wonderful but is really testing our rules and boundaries many times per day. It has been challenging to stick to consistent rules and be firm. It's much easier when we have the time to be patient. But, unfortunately, we are often rushing her... and 2.5 year olds do not like to be rushed.
9) Potty training. Rachel is doing awesome and has had very few accidents in the last 2-3 weeks.
10) Why? Rachel's favorite question is emerging more and more.
11) Landscaping and house projects. When we bought the house in August, we put off many things for 'later'. Well, 'later' has arrived and now we are pinching pennies to try and make things work. We thought we would do solar paneling, but have decided we can't afford it. We have put in a high efficiency air conditioner, since we know July will be a scorching time to have a newborn. We have also hired a landscaping company, and continue to discuss plans and talk budgets to figure out how to functionally cover our dirt pile of a back yard without having to water too much. We will end up spending more money than we thought possible for a basic retaining wall, patio, fence, and ground cover. Visions of fruit trees, raised garden beds, artificial grass play surfaces and fun plants have dissolved as we have learned how much these things cost. Yikes!
12) Running. Jason is running again. He is putting in 15-20 mile runs on the weekends and getting ready for a 30 mile race in May. It's exciting to have him feel like a real runner as he gets more fit again. Soon he'll sign up for the Ultra Roc 100k which will take place Sept 28 in Summit County. Very exciting!
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| Rachel has a new haircut! |
So April has been busy with the following things:
1) Pops. Sadly, Rachel was not feeling well during this visit and fighting off her 700th cold on the winter. I took 2 days off in hopes to play with them both, but all that really meant was no work for me and lots of extra snuggles with a grumpy toddler. Rachel wouldn't let her Dad or her Pops do much of anything with her for 3 days. Pops did go birding in town, did shop for some fun gear, did keep our house clean, and we did go watch the Canucks lose to the Avalanche in an exciting hockey game. We also took him up to Breckenridge but variable clouds and high winds meant that Jason skied a half day while the rest of us went to the pool.
As soon as Pops left, Rachel missed him and was asking for him and wanting to play with him all the time.
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| Steph, Paige, Rachel, Meggan and big belly |
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| Paige and Rachel in bath |
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| Paige and Steph have dinner |
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| Paige and Steph at the top of Mt. Sanitas |
2) Steph and Paige. My very lovely friend Steph (aka Barney) came to visit with her 6 month old Paige. Paige is adorable and makes having another baby inspiring and exciting again. Rachel got to practice being a big helper, and Steph made quite an impact on Rachel. In fact, Rachel had a really difficult time leaving Steph and Paige to go to school. Paige experienced her first time in the pool, first zoo trip, some new first solid foods, and her first swing ride. We went on a nice hike, played at the farmer's market, walked around town, and spent lots of time playing in the house.
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| Steph and Paige - first time for Paige riding on the back |
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| Paige has started solid food! mmm kale |
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| Rachel with her new best friend, Steph |
3) Ridiculous weather. Every single Mon/Tues in April we have had a snowstorm. At first, this was entertaining. Monday, however, the humor and excitement ended when we got blasted in the face with high winds cutting snow through us as we walked home from the pool. Visitors have had to be prepared for weather from 25 degrees to 75 degrees on any given day. It's making work challenging for both of us, transportation annoying for us all, the ski hills amazing now that they are closed, running and hiking challenging. We're ready for spring, warm weather, and capri pants. I can't fit into my winter pants anymore!
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| Making cookies while the weather is glum - with big belly |
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| View from our house toward Boulder and mountains after recent snowstorm |
4) Birthdays and celebrations - I turned 34 on the 19th and we celebrated our 6th anniversary on the 21st. Also, on the 22nd it was Pops' 69th birthday. Friday night of the 19th we ordered in yummy thai dinner and had friends over. Strangely, the guests at my birthday party were the same guests at Rachel's birthday party! We had a really nice time catching up with local friends we have missed lately. Jason surprised me with a yummy ice cream cake (obviously the best kind of cake there is).
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| Finn, Delilah, Grace, Rachel have dinner |
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| Janny and Finn eat thai food |
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| Yummy ice cream cake for the birthday girl! |
5) Sad news. Still shaken by the events of the Boston Marathon. But on a more personal level, a great family friend of ours, Sven, who my parents have known since college, recently lost his battle with cancer. In fact, he passed away on my Dad's birthday - poor Pops! Sven was an active, adventurous, enthusiastic man who was welcoming and kind to all those around him. We are sad for this loss and our thoughts are with his family and my parents. I tried to explain this to Rachel tonight and she, later, came up with "Let's call Pops and tell him we are sorry he is sad" ...and then (in reference to Jason's Dad) ... "like Grandpa Ray died. We will have to find another Grandpa Ray" ... to which I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
6) Baby! I'm 30 weeks and much more excited now than I was 3 weeks ago. My belly seems to be really growing now and I'm definitely slowing down. I'm in a better head space about all of this and quite excited. The baby is growing well, kicking lots, and in a good head-down and ready-to-stay-there-until-it's-time position. I am healthy, although hypoglycemic, and have gained 23 pounds so far. My pelvis is a bit less painful than it was 3 weeks ago but still bothers me most days. Baby appointments are every 2 weeks until 36 weeks, where we will have another ultrasound, and then go to appointments week by week.
7) Ketchup and syrup. Rachel is becoming a pickier... well, everything. Eater, for sure. She wants to put ketchup and/or syrup on everything and wants to make pancakes or waffles every day. She has a handful of foods she eats all the time and the little eat-anything veggie-lover we used to have is changing.
8) Tantrums. Rachel is wonderful but is really testing our rules and boundaries many times per day. It has been challenging to stick to consistent rules and be firm. It's much easier when we have the time to be patient. But, unfortunately, we are often rushing her... and 2.5 year olds do not like to be rushed.
9) Potty training. Rachel is doing awesome and has had very few accidents in the last 2-3 weeks.
10) Why? Rachel's favorite question is emerging more and more.
11) Landscaping and house projects. When we bought the house in August, we put off many things for 'later'. Well, 'later' has arrived and now we are pinching pennies to try and make things work. We thought we would do solar paneling, but have decided we can't afford it. We have put in a high efficiency air conditioner, since we know July will be a scorching time to have a newborn. We have also hired a landscaping company, and continue to discuss plans and talk budgets to figure out how to functionally cover our dirt pile of a back yard without having to water too much. We will end up spending more money than we thought possible for a basic retaining wall, patio, fence, and ground cover. Visions of fruit trees, raised garden beds, artificial grass play surfaces and fun plants have dissolved as we have learned how much these things cost. Yikes!
12) Running. Jason is running again. He is putting in 15-20 mile runs on the weekends and getting ready for a 30 mile race in May. It's exciting to have him feel like a real runner as he gets more fit again. Soon he'll sign up for the Ultra Roc 100k which will take place Sept 28 in Summit County. Very exciting!
April 7, 2013
Rachel's new bedroom and the mystery of the missing paint can
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| Mommy the monster |
It seems that half of our blog posts are related to Rachel sleeping... because getting a good night's sleep is so crucial to us since we've become parents. And it's never guaranteed. So for a while now, we've been getting ready Rachel's 'big girl bedroom' to transition her into a bed and out of the baby's room. Prior to this, she was sleeping on the carpet of her floor, often without blankets.
Rachel chose to switch into a new room with a monkey/animal theme, and has helped pick out several things. We have really wanted to play this whole thing up to get her excited about her room so that 1) she will sleep well in it and 2) she will not feel like she was 'kicked out' of the baby's room.
So, we bought a twin bed, a dresser, and a rocking chair on craigslist. Then we bought monkey sheets, monkey drawer handles, monkey wall decals, a monkey/giraffe/tiger lamp, a monkey wall clock, and a monkey laundry hamper! Perhaps a little overboard in some ways, but it's a part of playing it up and we essentially needed to outfit a whole bedroom since the nursery will stay as is. Also, with 2 exceptions (the wall decals and the sheets) the prices for all things were very reasonable with some pretty awesome craigslist and online shopping.
Nana is currently working on a quilt and 2 wall hangings to complete the animal theme room. Go Nana!
Dresser - the dresser we bought was a good quality 5 drawer dresser from a family for $70. I was looking for weeks before I got one I liked. Unfortunately, it was light blue with maroon color pull knobs. (For those of you who know Jason well, he hates light blue because his college arch rival was light blue North Carolina and he went to NC State.) So we decided to paint it. And while we were changing it, I decided to buy monkey pull knobs.
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| Light blue dresser drawer waiting to be painted |
Paint - last weekend I went out and bought groceries, a paint tray, a paint roller, and a can of bright yellow paint. When I got home, we had company coming immediately so I quickly put the groceries away and then had dinner, etc with friends/family. Before bed I thought I'd try and get a coat of paint on the drawers, but I couldn't find the paint can anywhere.
Where could the missing paint can be? The roller and paint tray were in the garage. The groceries were put away properly with no strange mishaps like a paint can in the fridge (totally possible in my life). Rachel and Jason had been playing in the garage when company arrived. So I asked Rachel:
"Honey, were you playing with a big silver can?"
"Yes Mommy."
"Do you know where it is?"
"Yes Mommy. I put it somewhere."
"Can you show me where?"
So she shows me to the Chariot, where she had loaded several pairs of shoes and a few other items, but there was no paint can. Then she looked around the driveway and kept looking down the street, where she has recently enjoyed throwing balls and frisbees. No paint can. Suspicious...
Sunday I scoured the house, called the store, asked all the company we had had over, and came up short. The yellow paint can was missing. So the drawers sat, a pale blue, waiting to be painted.
I was pretty sure the upcoming days would reveal the missing can in some random place. But no paint can.
So this weekend I went to the store and started over. In fact, I decided yellow was not the color to be and the universe was steering me toward green. So green I bought. And painted the drawers. So the green dresser with monkey pull knobs is all finished and sits nicely in Rachel's new fun room.
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But, we are very excited for Rachel's room and she has transitioned quite well to her big girl bed.
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| Painted green drawers with white monkey pull knobs |
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| monkey sheets |
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| monkey pull knobs |
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| Big girl bed! |
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| Monkey clock waiting to be put up on wall |
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| Monkey/giraffe/tiger lamp |
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| Dirty white rocking chair that is comfy for reading books |
Spring Skinning
Jason and I had a date this afternoon/evening so that we could get out and play. We hired a babysitter and drove to Rocky Mountain National Park to play in the snow. Jason recently got a new ski set up, and this was a good excuse to go try it out. Plus, we want to take any chances we can to get out and play while we can, knowing that when the new baby comes I won't be able to leave the baby very much.
So we drove to the park and looked around, squinting to find something white. It was a little windy and quite grey with clouds. We realized quickly that all the low level trails are good for hiking right now without any snow to ski, so we drove up as high as we could drive. We saw piles of elk, deer and mountain goats as usual.
At the end of the road, we parked our car, donned our stuff, and set off up the rest of the road which is closed in the winter.
We skinned up 30 min, beside the pavement we could have driven on or hiked on, turned around, and skiied down. The slope on the way down was barely even enough to get us to the car, and required a lot more poling than anticipated. Note to self: using my poles to propel myself forward by leaning body forward does not work as well when 7 months pregnant!
Back at the car with snow blowing hard, we jumped in and headed down the road to stop for some cherry/apple pie. Then we came home to relieve our babysitter and put Rachel to bed.
A silly and fun date for us!
So we drove to the park and looked around, squinting to find something white. It was a little windy and quite grey with clouds. We realized quickly that all the low level trails are good for hiking right now without any snow to ski, so we drove up as high as we could drive. We saw piles of elk, deer and mountain goats as usual.
At the end of the road, we parked our car, donned our stuff, and set off up the rest of the road which is closed in the winter.
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| Not much of a view |
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| Parked our car at the end of the road |
We skinned up 30 min, beside the pavement we could have driven on or hiked on, turned around, and skiied down. The slope on the way down was barely even enough to get us to the car, and required a lot more poling than anticipated. Note to self: using my poles to propel myself forward by leaning body forward does not work as well when 7 months pregnant!
Back at the car with snow blowing hard, we jumped in and headed down the road to stop for some cherry/apple pie. Then we came home to relieve our babysitter and put Rachel to bed.
A silly and fun date for us!
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| No point in skiing here, other than because we still can |
April 3, 2013
27 weeks
How are you feeling?
I get asked this multiple times per day. It's apparently the question you ask pregnant women. And it's hard to answer. Similar to when people ask "What's up?" ... There are only a few possible answers, like "Not much."
I forget that I'm pregnant most of the time. So my first interpretation is confusion... that's kind of a personal question for a hello. But then I realize that the question actually means "How is your pregnancy going?"
So... mostly it's been great. Mild sickness early on. Thankful to be pregnant. Thankful to see the baby on ultrasound, hear the heartbeat, and feel the baby kick. No food aversions. No problems so far. I'm a lucky person. I am excited looking at the wee little newborn clothes in the nursery.
Here are the not-so-great parts: my pelvis is mad at me, I feel big but not like a cute pregnant lady big, I feel very out of shape, and it's going to be a long time before I get back in shape. I am pretty scared of the delivery and apprehensive about having to take care of a newborn and all that comes with that while dealing with Rachel. I can't decide what to do about working and daycare after the baby is born.
These aren't very worthwhile things to complain about. My life is pretty awesome, especially compared to so many. I have a dear husband, a wonderful little girl, a house, a job, great support around me, and so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to.
But here I am, complaining. Once upon a time, long long ago in a far away kingdom, I was a national team athlete. I was strong. I was fit. I was confident. My body, my fitness and my strength were a huge source of confidence for me. Since retiring from the world of field hockey, I have dabbled in other forms of fitness. Adventure races, runs, hikes. When I was 5 months pregnant with Rachel, I did my first sprint triathlon. Delivering Rachel really rocked my confidence in my body because the whole process of being pregnant and delivering her took much more from my body than I expected it would. 10 months after Rachel was born, I ran a marathon. It wasn't pretty or fast, but I did it, and I felt hopeful again. Last summer, I did an Olympic distance tri, which was another step toward a better fitness level. Since then... I have done very little. I think I can count the number of workouts I have had so far in 2013. I don't feel very good about myself, about my strength, about my fitness, or about my body.
Every day I treat a handful of 50-70 year old women that scare me. I see a potential of my future in them. Ladies who are having health problems because they haven't maintained enough fitness or strength to be healthy enough. Usually, this motivates me to exercise more - run, swim, go to the gym, hike, bike, ski ... something! I look at them and think 'I don't want to become like that - I have to get out and push myself!'.
Lately, my motivation is gone. I picture myself becoming those patients. I'd much rather sit on my butt internet surfing while eating ice cream than going out for a brisk walk or riding the bike trainer or doing weights in my house. I've given up trying to keep up with the other super moms who run through their whole pregnancies and have super cute basketball bellies and muscle tone. My options for exercise these days don't excite me that much (except when I do get to the pool or prenatal yoga class - I do love those things). My pelvis won't let me run anymore, probably because I wasn't running enough or had a strong enough core before I got pregnant to continue running safely. I'm having a hard time finding the time to go swimming or to yoga or to the gym as much as I should or want to. I would love to run outside on a trail and sweat right now, but I'm not really sure how. I would love to play a sport. There are times I miss field hockey so much!
I still have 13 weeks before my due date and then I will try hard to wait 6 weeks post delivery before doing anything too exciting for exercise. That's 19 more weeks to have this pregnancy, delivery and breast feeding to kick my body's butt into a world of extreme decline. And then, starting in the middle of August, I will have to start the long, long journey of getting back. Losing weight. Gaining strength. Finding fitness. Gradually over the winter of 2013/2014 I hope to return to a body and a fitness level that I am proud of and feel good about. In 2014 I plan to do a half ironman as my post partum fitness goal.
I'm finding it all a little tough to deal with and work through. And I know the best I can do is be as active as I can be and to be okay with the miracle that my body is working on. Growing a baby is no small feat. I know I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying the pregnancy and super excited about having a new little one. I'm supposed to let go of any real fitness expectations and just do what I can each day to stay well.
I'll get there soon, I think. But for today, I feel like a blob. And I think I could get really excited about holding a new sweet child again if I didn't have to deliver it and go through that first 2 weeks of nursing.
I'll keep you posted on the improvement in my head space and feelings as I move into my third trimester. I'm glad I have 13 more weeks to prepare myself and get really excited.
I get asked this multiple times per day. It's apparently the question you ask pregnant women. And it's hard to answer. Similar to when people ask "What's up?" ... There are only a few possible answers, like "Not much."
I forget that I'm pregnant most of the time. So my first interpretation is confusion... that's kind of a personal question for a hello. But then I realize that the question actually means "How is your pregnancy going?"
So... mostly it's been great. Mild sickness early on. Thankful to be pregnant. Thankful to see the baby on ultrasound, hear the heartbeat, and feel the baby kick. No food aversions. No problems so far. I'm a lucky person. I am excited looking at the wee little newborn clothes in the nursery.
Here are the not-so-great parts: my pelvis is mad at me, I feel big but not like a cute pregnant lady big, I feel very out of shape, and it's going to be a long time before I get back in shape. I am pretty scared of the delivery and apprehensive about having to take care of a newborn and all that comes with that while dealing with Rachel. I can't decide what to do about working and daycare after the baby is born.
These aren't very worthwhile things to complain about. My life is pretty awesome, especially compared to so many. I have a dear husband, a wonderful little girl, a house, a job, great support around me, and so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to.
But here I am, complaining. Once upon a time, long long ago in a far away kingdom, I was a national team athlete. I was strong. I was fit. I was confident. My body, my fitness and my strength were a huge source of confidence for me. Since retiring from the world of field hockey, I have dabbled in other forms of fitness. Adventure races, runs, hikes. When I was 5 months pregnant with Rachel, I did my first sprint triathlon. Delivering Rachel really rocked my confidence in my body because the whole process of being pregnant and delivering her took much more from my body than I expected it would. 10 months after Rachel was born, I ran a marathon. It wasn't pretty or fast, but I did it, and I felt hopeful again. Last summer, I did an Olympic distance tri, which was another step toward a better fitness level. Since then... I have done very little. I think I can count the number of workouts I have had so far in 2013. I don't feel very good about myself, about my strength, about my fitness, or about my body.
Every day I treat a handful of 50-70 year old women that scare me. I see a potential of my future in them. Ladies who are having health problems because they haven't maintained enough fitness or strength to be healthy enough. Usually, this motivates me to exercise more - run, swim, go to the gym, hike, bike, ski ... something! I look at them and think 'I don't want to become like that - I have to get out and push myself!'.
Lately, my motivation is gone. I picture myself becoming those patients. I'd much rather sit on my butt internet surfing while eating ice cream than going out for a brisk walk or riding the bike trainer or doing weights in my house. I've given up trying to keep up with the other super moms who run through their whole pregnancies and have super cute basketball bellies and muscle tone. My options for exercise these days don't excite me that much (except when I do get to the pool or prenatal yoga class - I do love those things). My pelvis won't let me run anymore, probably because I wasn't running enough or had a strong enough core before I got pregnant to continue running safely. I'm having a hard time finding the time to go swimming or to yoga or to the gym as much as I should or want to. I would love to run outside on a trail and sweat right now, but I'm not really sure how. I would love to play a sport. There are times I miss field hockey so much!
I still have 13 weeks before my due date and then I will try hard to wait 6 weeks post delivery before doing anything too exciting for exercise. That's 19 more weeks to have this pregnancy, delivery and breast feeding to kick my body's butt into a world of extreme decline. And then, starting in the middle of August, I will have to start the long, long journey of getting back. Losing weight. Gaining strength. Finding fitness. Gradually over the winter of 2013/2014 I hope to return to a body and a fitness level that I am proud of and feel good about. In 2014 I plan to do a half ironman as my post partum fitness goal.
I'm finding it all a little tough to deal with and work through. And I know the best I can do is be as active as I can be and to be okay with the miracle that my body is working on. Growing a baby is no small feat. I know I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying the pregnancy and super excited about having a new little one. I'm supposed to let go of any real fitness expectations and just do what I can each day to stay well.
I'll get there soon, I think. But for today, I feel like a blob. And I think I could get really excited about holding a new sweet child again if I didn't have to deliver it and go through that first 2 weeks of nursing.
I'll keep you posted on the improvement in my head space and feelings as I move into my third trimester. I'm glad I have 13 more weeks to prepare myself and get really excited.
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