27 weeks

How are you feeling?

I get asked this multiple times per day.  It's apparently the question you ask pregnant women.  And it's hard to answer.  Similar to when people ask "What's up?"  ... There are only a few possible answers, like "Not much."

I forget that I'm pregnant most of the time.  So my first interpretation is confusion...  that's kind of a personal question for a hello.  But then I realize that the question actually means "How is your pregnancy going?"

So... mostly it's been great.  Mild sickness early on.  Thankful to be pregnant.  Thankful to see the baby on ultrasound, hear the heartbeat, and feel the baby kick.  No food aversions.  No problems so far.  I'm a lucky person.  I am excited looking at the wee little newborn clothes in the nursery.

Here are the not-so-great parts: my pelvis is mad at me, I feel big but not like a cute pregnant lady big, I feel very out of shape, and it's going to be a long time before I get back in shape.  I am pretty scared of the delivery and apprehensive about having to take care of a newborn and all that comes with that while dealing with Rachel.  I can't decide what to do about working and daycare after the baby is born.

These aren't very worthwhile things to complain about.  My life is pretty awesome, especially compared to so many.  I have a dear husband, a wonderful little girl, a house, a job, great support around me, and so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to.

But here I am, complaining.  Once upon a time, long long ago in a far away kingdom, I was a national team athlete.  I was strong.  I was fit.  I was confident.  My body, my fitness and my strength were a huge source of confidence for me.  Since retiring from the world of field hockey, I have dabbled in other forms of fitness.  Adventure races, runs, hikes.  When I was 5 months pregnant with Rachel, I did my first sprint triathlon.  Delivering Rachel really rocked my confidence in my body because the whole process of being pregnant and delivering her took much more from my body than I expected it would.  10 months after Rachel was born, I ran a marathon.  It wasn't pretty or fast, but I did it, and I felt hopeful again.  Last summer, I did an Olympic distance tri, which was another step toward a better fitness level.  Since then... I have done very little.  I think I can count the number of workouts I have had so far in 2013.  I don't feel very good about myself, about my strength, about my fitness, or about my body.

Every day I treat a handful of 50-70 year old women that scare me.  I see a potential of my future in them.  Ladies who are having health problems because they haven't maintained enough fitness or strength to be healthy enough.  Usually, this motivates me to exercise more - run, swim, go to the gym, hike, bike, ski ... something!  I look at them and think 'I don't want to become like that - I have to get out and push myself!'.

Lately, my motivation is gone.  I picture myself becoming those patients.  I'd much rather sit on my butt internet surfing while eating ice cream than going out for a brisk walk or riding the bike trainer or doing weights in my house.  I've given up trying to keep up with the other super moms who run through their whole pregnancies and have super cute basketball bellies and muscle tone.  My options for exercise these days don't excite me that much (except when I do get to the pool or prenatal yoga class - I do love those things).  My pelvis won't let me run anymore, probably because I wasn't running enough or had a strong enough core before I got pregnant to continue running safely.  I'm having a hard time finding the time to go swimming or to yoga or to the gym as much as I should or want to.  I would love to run outside on a trail and sweat right now, but I'm not really sure how.  I would love to play a sport.  There are times I miss field hockey so much!

I still have 13 weeks before my due date and then I will try hard to wait 6 weeks post delivery before doing anything too exciting for exercise.  That's 19 more weeks to have this pregnancy, delivery and breast feeding to kick my body's butt into a world of extreme decline.  And then, starting in the middle of August, I will have to start the long, long journey of getting back.  Losing weight.  Gaining strength.  Finding fitness.  Gradually over the winter of 2013/2014 I hope to return to a body and a fitness level that I am proud of and feel good about.  In 2014 I plan to do a half ironman as my post partum fitness goal.

I'm finding it all a little tough to deal with and work through.  And I know the best I can do is be as active as I can be and to be okay with the miracle that my body is working on.  Growing a baby is no small feat.  I know I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying the pregnancy and super excited about having a new little one.  I'm supposed to let go of any real fitness expectations and just do what I can each day to stay well.

I'll get there soon, I think.  But for today, I feel like a blob.  And I think I could get really excited about holding a new sweet child again if I didn't have to deliver it and go through that first 2 weeks of nursing.

I'll keep you posted on the improvement in my head space and feelings as I move into my third trimester.  I'm glad I have 13 more weeks to prepare myself and get really excited.