Keeping a clean house

I used to be a clean and organized person.

I used to be so many things that seem so far away now... like a shadow of myself I'm not sure even belongs to me.  I used to be a high level athlete.  I used to stay up late, dance and drink and be silly, do spontaneous things just to try them out and be irresponsible on purpose.  I used to have so much energy.

As a single person, I was usually pretty clean and tidy.  I used to help my mom clean our house a lot growing up.  I earned spending money but taking on extra cleaning chores in our house.  My mom seemed to be able to keep a house clean with 3 kids, a working husband (who traveled often), and work herself.  She had high domestic standards of cleanliness, baking, appearances...  In college, I did my dishes right away and made my bed and vacuumed my place often.

I've never really cared too much about fashion and clothing and I've never been good at taking quick showers.  But until I was married I always felt better when things were clean.  And when I'm upset about something, I still tend to clean.  In school, whenever I needed to study, I'd take a while to clean everything all around me first, even if that meant staying up an hour later.  I felt that I studied better if my environment was cleaner.

So how did I change from valuing a clean and tidy home to feel relaxed in and productive in, to the mess I live in now all the time and don't care?

I think I got a little messier moving in with Jason.  Not exactly because he's a messy person, but because we had more stuff.  I really like everything I own to have a home.  And with more stuff, it's harder to find homes.  More accumulates in the junk drawer or the shelf that just holds stuff.

Then we had kids.  Way more stuff.  Way more mess.

When I've been a full time stay-at-home mom, I've wasted hours cleaning up after my kids only to have them mess everything up again.  This is the ultimate frustration to me as a full time mother.  Work so hard and have nothing to show for it.  It seemed easier to just leave the mess and try to get it all sorted out after the kids went to sleep.

But then cleaning has to compete with all the other jobs that are reserved for 'after the kids go to sleep'.  Since working more and more, that time is more and more precious.

From 8pm-10pm, I have to choose whether I exercise, pay bills, organize my schedule, answer emails, finish my work that I didn't get done at work, clean my house, do laundry, spend time with my husband, run errands, go grocery shopping, be social, etc.

Currently, Jason runs two nights per week and I play hockey two nights per week during this time.

I'm not trying to compete here for the busiest person job.  I know I would lose.  I know there are loads of people who have things harder than I do, and I'm really lucky.

I'm just trying to understand why I just spent the last hour and much of my day at home with a sick kiddo trying to clean my house.  I could have read a novel, exercised, organized my photos, or picked one of a ton of other more fun and interesting things to do while she was sleeping.

But I can't seem to relax and unwind in my life.  It feels that I need to have everything totally caught up, organized, and clean before I'd actually be able to enjoy reading or exercising or anything.  And that will never happen.

We are debating about getting a house cleaner.  I'm emotional about this.  Practically, I'm cheap and don't want to spend money when it's a job I am capable of myself.  I have way more things I'd rather spend that money on.  Also, I don't want to have to pick up everything because the house cleaner is going to come to clean under all the mess on their schedule.

But really, there's more to it than that.  ...   It feels like cheating.  It feels like something only spoiled rich people have. (sorry I probably just offended someone that has a house cleaner)

I used to feel that way about daycare.  I didn't feel right having 'some stranger raise my kids'... a phrase I've heard many times and used to think a little myself.  I used to think that getting a sitter to exercise or use gym day care or getting a sitter to get myself organized all felt like I wasn't being there for my kids.  ... and I've changed my views on all those things.  I really do feel that I'm a happier, healthier, better mom and more patient with my kids after I've been away at work, made time for myself or my marriage or my body/health.  I really believe that the 'stranger's do a better job at being with my kids all day than I do, and that allows me to do a better job with them every evening and weekend.  I'm slowly letting go of that daycare guilt.

But who ever heard of house cleaner guilt?

Somehow, to me, I still believe that I (we) should be responsible for our own house.  Our home that we love and take pride it.  And, wrong as it might be on paper, I believe that keeping a tidy household is one role of 'mom'.  I don't feel like I do it well... but I know I can and I even enjoy cleaning when I do it.  But add that to the list of 1000 things moms should do well that we all strive to do but can't possibly succeed in keeping up.  I feel the same way about cooking dinner vs. going out.  It feels like cheating and more money to go out for dinner so I don't like to do it.  (Also, it's rarely enjoyable to me with kids.)

So... I will either have to:
1) let go of this guilt and put my money where my value is and hire someone
2) continue to do my best and be ok with a messy house and realize I value other things more
3) get less sleep or take away from other important elements of our lives in order to do more cleaning more consistently

I guess time will tell!