I'm 32 weeks pregnant week and things are starting to feel more and more real. There really IS a baby inside me and it won't be long before it tries to come out! Wow!
I'm trying hard to enjoy my pregnancy, and cherish this miracle, since I don't plan on being pregnant again. My pelvis is much happier than it was 4 weeks ago. I am exhausted and somewhat more emotional than I am used to. Sleep comes easily and could go on and on and on. I have had days of nausea and no appetite. I have had some Braxton Hicks contractions. The baby is kicking a lot, but not with the intensity that I seem to recall with Rachel's pregnancy. I have been light headed often. I am still doing pretty well at work, except when I forget about my belly and go to demonstrate some exercise that I clearly cannot do anymore. My belly is growing pretty rapidly now. My outfits are full of interesting choices, especially with Colorado weather varying from 80 degree heat one day to snow or thundershowers another. Today I thought it was going to be cool, so I wore winter pants and boots, and I was sweating all afternoon.
It's hard not to compare pregnancies and wonder if this upcoming birth will be like Rachel's. In the summer of 2010, we moved to Virginia short term to be with family. I had at least 6 weeks off work, and came home at about 32 weeks. I remember that summer being incredibly hot with lots of yoga and swimming. At the time, I do remember being very tired, but it was also a very emotional family time. When we returned home to Penticton, Jason did Ironman, I returned to work but was not particularly busy, and we busied ourselves with preparations for the baby.
I just read through some journal entries prior to Rachel's birth and my birth story with her. I also just recently read the birth story of our cousin Kelly Ray, who gave birth to Liv Ray 2 weeks ago in Denver. I enjoyed the read and found some similarities and some differences between her experience and mine.
People will tell you that after you deliver a baby that you will forget the pain. That there will be this magical moment when you hold your baby and the miracle of holding the baby will remove any unpleasant memories from your mind about labor. It's all a lie. I have had 2.5 years to remember the labor and how intense it was. I am not particularly proud of the birth, although I am very thankful that all went 'well' in the sense that Rachel was safe and born without any complications.
I remember sucking back as much nitrous oxide as possible, not being able to stay calm or relaxed or find a position of comfort. I remember things being so fast and so intense that I was scared because it was so out of control. I remember begging for pain medication and being thrilled at the idea of taking fentanyl, which I did take, and it did help take the edge off.
When people tell me things like 'your second baby will come faster than your first' as though that's supposed to be a good thing, I panic. I do not want a faster birth. I'd like to have a chance to practice getting through a contraction and then having a chance to recover in the break before the next one. When I look back at my birth of Rachel, I don't remember any breaks after about 8am. I suppose there must have been some, but to me, after my water broke before 11am, there were definitely no breaks. I just remember feeling like I was drowning in uncontrollable pain, and for one of the first times in my whole life, I couldn't will my body to change anything that gave me any control or relief from the pain.
Only recently have I started telling myself 'I can do this' when it comes to the idea of birthing another baby. In fact, I would say I'm starting to get genuinely excited for the challenge of the birth. I really want to do it without any medication this time. But until a few weeks ago, only terror and not-so-great memories filled my mind. I am trying to clear myself of this fear and stay open minded to what may come. Doesn't it sound like I'm doing a good job?!
My focus in 'getting ready for the baby' is very different from before. I will be booking patients until as late as July 5, and plan to work 36 hours per week (face to face time) until then. I will stay on top of all my patients and charting in case something happens early and another therapist needs to take over for me. It's in our best interest financially for me to work as long as possible, before taking time off without pay.
My biggest concerns this time include Rachel, and how we will best deal with her. Nana will be here from June 25 onward, so that will be great. If the baby should come before then, we will depend on neighbors or friends to watch Rachel at the last minute and hope that she will be ok until we can go back and get her. I'm not entirely comfortable with this, and I will need to let go and trust that she will be fine in whatever situation arises so I can focus on the baby. Since we have just one car, also, there will probably be a time when Jason leaves me with the baby in the hospital to retrieve Rachel (and maybe Nana) to come and meet the baby. Then, we will try our best to balance Rachel's emotions and the impact of having a new sibling with her needs. We will be celebrating the excitement of Rachel being a 'big sister' as much as we can, with gifts and cards and celebrations for her rather than too many new things for the baby.
Transport is a bit interesting. I typically drive myself to Boulder with our one car, and Jason bikes. We share dropping Rachel off or picking her up. Should I go into labor at work, I would likely have to drive myself to the hospital and Jason would need to find a ride to the hospital and then a friend would have to get Rachel, but may not have a car seat for her or any of her stuff. It's not like in Penticton where every drive was 5-10 minutes. Most drives in our life are 20-30 minutes around here, which is much more significant. The drive to the hospital last time with contractions after my water had broke was possibly the worst part of it all. I'd rather not have to be in that much discomfort after leaving Rachel for an unknown time frame to have to suffer for 20 minutes to get to our hospital.
Health insurance is another consideration. I will have my health insurance until June 30 and then switch to Jason's health insurance as of July 1. So, depending on the timing, the costs associated with the delivery could be different. We've decided not to worry about this, and hope that it won't be too different.
Packing list. I'm starting to put together our hospital bag and the nursery is ready to go. I bought an 'old lady' night gown with buttons in the front for easy access nursing for immediately after the delivery. I'm actually falling in love with this night gown because it's so comfy, despite the fact that it's very unattractive. But since nothing is particularly attractive with a large belly, it's ok.
Other 'stuff'. We haven't decided on a bassinet or exactly where the baby will sleep. We haven't decided on a name. We don't have an infant bath. But, we also don't plan on being home much during the first 2-3 months. As soon as we're mobile, we're driving to Virginia to see family. This road trip is growing in its plan and may include as many as 17 states! So it's not worth buying anything like a bath or a bassinet if we aren't going to be home to use it.
Mental preparation for the delivery. Our 'hypnobabies' birth class starts this weekend. It is going to be every Saturday afternoon from 2:30-6pm for the next 6 weeks. We have a sitter arranged for Rachel for the first week only so far. I have been listening to my audio CDs some nights to prepare. One CD is called 'my special safe place' and is basically a thorough relaxation practice. I have stayed awake for the whole thing once. The other is called 'comfortable birthing' or something similar and I haven't stayed awake for it at all. The idea is to become very good at relaxing, and to shift a mindset around birth from pain and horror to 'pressure' and 'rushes'. So far I usually get to breathing in and out for about 3 minutes and then I'm totally asleep. Oops!
Anyway, there should be about 8 weeks to go. In my nature, I keep imagining what would happen if the baby decided to show up next week and how we would cope. But really, the baby should stay put a while longer and let Jason finish the school year and have time to prepare for next year. I should have time to finish my work, let us hire someone to take over my job, and have time to get myself ready.
We'll keep you posted!
