Based on several comments I have received lately, it has become apparent that I haven't quite been myself lately. Or at least, I have presented a more negative version of myself than I intend. I think, at times, in order to try and be funny, I paint a picture of parent-hood that seems full of suffering. In fact, our Rachel is awesome and Jason and I love her more than we can imagine.
Here are some interesting things that I have witnessed recently that have encouraged me to appreciate what I do have even more. Some are small, some are big.
1) Barney visiting
My friend Steph was recently visiting with her 6 month old Paige. I kept watching Steph (aka Barney) be such a calm and happy mother the whole time she was here. She seemed to genuinely love spending time with her daughter, despite travel/new foods/no partner/snow storms. I watched Barney giggle as she watched her girl. I watched Barney smile and laugh and be patient and energetic playing with Rachel.
I wondered why I wasn't more like that. Am I? Was I when Rachel was 6 months? When did I get so tired that I forgot to giggle with Rachel and everything seemed to have become a race or a chore? Where has all my energy gone?
Note to self - giggle more.
2) 2 patients with serious trauma
In the last 2 days I have had the honor of meeting 2 new patients with tragic stories.
Patient #1 fell asleep at the wheel in December and woke up in hospital 10 days later to learn that he had hit another car head on and his wife, who had been his passenger, was killed in the accident. Isn't that awful? This poor man is still recovering from spinal and facial fractures and his jaw is wired shut. He is trying to put himself back together physically and mentally, and seems to be doing a pretty good job. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings involved for him in this scenario.
Note to self - hug Jason.
Patient #2 is a young man who was hit by another car that turned into his motorcycle last summer. He sustained fractures of his forearm, shoulder, hip, thigh, ribs, neck, and has had many surgeries to these parts and to his knee and foot. He came in with a smile on his face and calmly told me the whole story and all the medical events since. He is walking with a cane and slowly trying to learn to walk better, move his joints more, and return to a 'normal' life for a person in their late 20s. Today he rode the stationary bike in the clinic for 2 minutes and was overjoyed at being able to bike again.
Note to self - remember this next time I get on my bike.
3) Watching Jason be a great Dad and a great husband
The last 2-3 days have hit me with unexpected nausea, light headedness, lack of appetite, and extreme fatigue. I came home late from work Monday night and found Rachel and Jason laughing and running around playing a fun game where Rachel hides in a big blanket and Jason drags her around the house calling her a giant snake. Jason seems to have endless energy to repeat tasks over and over as Rachel yells "AGAIN! Daddy - pull me again!"
Last night I napped from 6-7pm while Jason played with Rachel and read her story after story after story.
Note to self - be patient with Rachel's tendency to repeat or play with the same things over and over and over again. Enjoy her. Hug Jason.
4) Melissa passing away
Someone I know from Penticton died of cancer today. Her husband Will worked at the local bike shop and was such a sweet guy. I only met Melissa a couple of times but she was lovely. As a couple, they met 6 years ago, dated, got engaged, got married, had a child named Sophie. I believe Melissa was pregnant with their second child Liam when I was nearly due with Rachel. I remember Sophie looking at my large tummy and asking her Mommy if the baby had a toothbrush, a bed, or clothes in there.
A year ago Melissa was diagnosed with cancer. 3 weeks ago she reported being optimistic about her treatment options and plans for the upcoming months. Last week they were still hopeful. Today she is gone. I have no idea how Will could possibly function right now, losing his dear wife and having to explain to his two children that their mommy was now in heaven. I'm not sure how he will manage to go on without her. I hope that he can learn to love looking at his kids and seeing Melissa reflected within them.
Note to self - hug Jason. Appreciate each little moment we have with the people we love.
5) Hearing about H's new baby brother
Friends of ours just recently had their second boy. The older brother we will call 'H' and he and Rachel are friends. I asked the Dad yesterday how things were going, and he said the dynamics were going well but the whole process felt strange and more emotional than he had expected.
He said when he left the house to go to the hospital with his wife to deliver the baby, they said goodbye to "H" and left him with his grandma. Both parents left the house crying, knowing that there would never be a time again when it was just the three of them, and that their family was about to change forever. Then the baby was born, all was well, and the parents were overcome with emotion and instant love for the new boy. But both parents are trying to figure out how to spread their love and attention between both brothers. The Dad said something like "I don't really know if I can manage to love my wife, my first son, and now my second son as much as I do. I love my wife and my first son so much - can I love this new little one that much, too? I guess I already do, but it is strange."
Note to self - will it be weird to leave Rachel and go to the hospital to change our family dynamic? (I don't really think so.) At the moment I'm wondering who we will leave her with, how she will cope with that, when the baby might come, how we will get her to the hospital to meet the baby, how she will react, how to make it easiest for her, and how we will manage to give her as much attention as we can while we care for a newborn. How will I possibly explain to her that I can't play with her or pick her up or get her something right away because I'm busy nursing or changing her sibling's diaper? Other people seem to manage and I know we will, too... but I am most worried about being unable to give Rachel the attention from me that she is used to getting.
Anyway, hug the people around you that you love. Appreciate what you have.
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