This is a long post all about my prep for childbirth and my thoughts on it at 34 weeks. It's not particularly funny and has nothing to do with Rachel.
Monday night at prenatal yoga, our teacher asked us what we might draw on during our birth. She specifically asked us to share what we thought of as our 'Source'. She described this as 'something that is bigger than yourself - something possibly outside of our tangible world. For some, this may be God. For some, a spirit.' How can you relate to that and find strength from it when you are challenged during your birthing time?
Phew. What a question!
Let me back up and say that I am learning more and more that I believe success during my birthing time might be in my ability to surrender. Until recently, I think everything in my life has been accomplished by hard work and grit. I have always believed that success in life comes from setting a goal and working your butt off until you achieve this goal. Work hard in school to get good grades. Get good grades to apply to PT school. In PT school and afterward, study hard to become a better clinician. As an athlete, train hard until I reach my goals. I believe I made the national team because I worked really hard on some particular skills and worked hard enough on my fitness to make the team. I believe our team worked hard together.
Some things are not within my control. So I have always been careful to try and set my goals in a specific way. For example, I rarely set the goal: 'we will beat Argentina tomorrow'. I set goals instead like 'move my feet to make good tackles' - things that were about the process, because I could not control the outcome. I could not control what my teammates might do that day, what calls the umpire might make, or what the other team might do. I could only control my own actions, and work my butt off to do my very best.
When I went into my birthing time with Rachel, I believed that I would succeed if I was physically tough enough or strong enough to 'win'. Essentially, I saw the discomfort of labor as a challenge and one that I was ready to beat because I was tough. I believed in my body and thought that I could work with it to kick butt against that enemy called labor. And on paper, my birth with Rachel was quite good. She was healthy, I was healthy. But I'm not sure this attitude set me up for success.
This time, instead of thinking of being physically tough, I'm trying to relax. My job is to simply relax and let my body do what it knows how to do - get this baby out comfortable, easily, and safely. I just have to relax. Not control anything. Not win. Not fight. Surrender. Have faith. Breathe. Be calm. Relax my body. Let everything go.
This baby is supposed to be here in 6 weeks, and the baby is head down, dropped, and feels like it's pushing at the door and raring to get out. I'm not in any hurry. I have a lot to get done at work still. I want to cherish this feeling of the miracle of pregnancy and the craziness of feeling the baby kick. I believe the baby will come when it's ready and I'm good with that.
But I can't pretend it doesn't unnerve me to have the 'big day' be totally uncertain. It could be anytime in the next 8 weeks. I'm a wee bit of a planner. I love schedules. I love lists and plans and times. Jason calls me the most goal oriented person he's ever met. It's true: I'm pretty focused. It's a challenge for me to let go and just be totally ok with the idea that the baby will just come when it comes. And if history repeats itself, once labor starts, things are likely to move fast. All of that is outside of my control. So this whole thing is a big old test on letting things go, relaxing, and going with things when they happen. I can't really prepare too much more than I already am.
Here's what I've done in the last five days that is related to getting ready for this baby (most of this is a required part of our very-intense HypnoBirthing class)
- Sat 3.5 hours hypnobabies class, including getting a sitter, having Jason leave early for graduation and needing a ride there
- 30 pages of reading on Sunday
- communication exercise with Jason Sunday
- listening to a 30 min audio CD called 'Positive Affirmations for Pregnancy and Childbirth' in the car on Mon, Tues, Wed
- listening to a 30 min audio CD 2 nights called 'Deep Relaxation'
- prenatal yoga class Sunday and Monday
- squats, kegals, self massage, and other stretches daily
- keeping track of everything I eat and recording all my protein intake
- drinking as much water as I can
- counting the baby kicks once per day
- hospital preadmission meeting today for 1 hour at hospital
- scheduling more appointments with my midwife/Dr group for my next few checkups
- sleeping on my left side
So... what is my Source? What do I believe is the energy or spirit out there that I will draw on when I am challenged? What will help me relax and trust and surrender to this process, to my body, to the baby?
I don't have a summarized, eloquent answer, but a lot of thoughts. Options:
1) Nature
I love being outside. I see beauty in nature and it charges my batteries. Going for a hike in the mountains, seeing the colors of the sunrise, watching the moon and stars, hearing the ocean waves lap on to the shore, watching animals in the wild, being far away from concrete all make me feel good. All these things help me connect with nature, and the beauty of it. All of these things are bigger than me and amaze me. Perhaps Mother Nature is a caregiver to me. Perhaps it makes me feel closer to God and our creation and life as a force.
But I'm giving birth in a clean room in a hospital, and doubt that I'll be dreaming of bunny rabbits and the smell of the forest while I'm birthing this baby.
2) The Amazing Human Body
I think the human body is fantastic. All of its processes interest me, inspire me, and leave me in awe. I really can't express this passion strongly enough. Pregnancy and birth are pretty high up there on the list of amazing things our bodies can do. I study the human body every day. Things that many people find gross really interest me. I trust that our bodies can do what they were meant to do. I sincerely believe that a woman's body is created to give birth (among many other things), and I trust my body to do this well.
3) God
A challenging thing for me to express. And I must say, in writing this I am a little nervous that I might offend someone. I do believe in God. I do feel comfort from prayer. I never went to organized church and don't know much about religion. I guess I might say I'm Christian, with a loose and liberal definition of the term. I believe that God is watching out for me and my family and the goodness of the world. I don't actually believe that God created life, but I do love the story of creation, much like a well-loved fairy tale or Santa. I do believe in the life of Jesus Christ and believe that the lessons of the bible set good values for us to follow.
But there is too much sorrow and confusion, war and unfairness in the world for me to trust God unconditionally. Also, I really believe that God must be too busy to deal with me most of the time because there are such huge problems out there. I don't like the idea of giving money to churches exactly and I don't like to follow the rules that are often set by structured religious ceremonies or cultures. I don't understand how there can be a God when there is cancer and war and rape and horrible things that happen to people. It's a flaw that catches me every time in my faith. So my faith remains weak very often. So I don't draw on this 'Source' very often.
4) Angels
I do believe that there are spirits watching out for me. I believe that my grandmother, both my grandparents, and Ray Oliver are all up there somewhere. I believe I can access them for help. I believe that they will listen. I believe that their spirit and great qualities live in me, my daughter, and this new baby. I believe these spirits help my world be better, and I can depend on them to comfort me if needed.
Today would have been Ray's 60th birthday. I feel really ripped off that he isn't still here, and it makes me so sad to think that Jason doesn't get his Dad and Rachel doesn't get her Grandfather. I am still angry that such a terrific person got taken away from this world and a lot of mean, sucky people got to live instead. But I know that Ray would not want me to think that way. I know instead he would be calm, and smile, and say something wise and positive.
So I draw comfort from the loved ones we have lost. But I don't want any of these people present with me when I'm giving birth, so I don't think that applies here.
5)Jason
Jason is the one thing that I definitely want with me during this birthing time. I want Jason with me when I am scared, or hurt, or sad. I want him with me when I am happy, to share my joy. I need him there to advocate for me and the baby, because he has a strong voice and will ask for help if needed. He makes me feel safe. His touch and his voice are comforting to me. He will share his strength with me. He will comfort me. He will understand me. I can depend on him and I want and need him there during any challenging time or amazing time, and this is likely to be both.
6) Belief in good things / fate?
I believe in good energy and the energy of life and people. I believe in karma. I believe in fate. I believe that all things happen for a reason, even if we may not like it or understand it for a while. I believe that some closed doors open other doors of opportunity.
I generally believe that people are good in their hearts and have good intentions. I trust that good things are likely to happen to me. I believe that the people we meet in life are there to teach us things and learn from us. I trust that some force will take care of me.
I think that older folks have lessons to teach us. I believe that friends are there to share with. I believe that little people are there to make us laugh and appreciate life. I believe that babies are cute, and that nurturing them is healing for us.
So, at 34 weeks, I feel pretty positive about the Sources around me and my life, taking care of me and taking care of many.
May 22, 2013
Rachel and the great things she says
Before I write another blog post, I have to share a few of Rachel's fun sayings recently:
1) Mommy - don't forget to take the baby with you to work!
2) R: Mommy, is the baby coming in July?
M: Yes, Rachel.
R: and then we're going to Grandma's house?
M: Yes, Rachel.
R: and what day is it today?
M: Today is a Wednesday in May.
R: May. June. July! Baby comes and we go to Grandma's. Then August, September, October! Rachel's birthday. And then it's November and we will go skiing on Daddy's birthday. December Aunt Karen's birthday and Christmas! Yay!
M: Who else has birthdays in October?
R: ME! and Teagan. and Cooper and Nana and Baby Paige (that's Barney's little girl who was just visiting).
M: Great job.
R: So if today is Wednesday, what day is it tomorrow.
M: Thursday.
R: and then Friday - Mommy... on Friday will it be July?
3) 7:25pm Sunday night, driving home from dinner and shopping in Boulder.
M: Rachel, what would you like for bedtime snack as soon as we get home?
R: Um... let's review our options for snack when we get home in a few minutes.
M: ok
R: do we have pancakes?
M: no honey
R: what are my choices? I need to review the options.
1) Mommy - don't forget to take the baby with you to work!
2) R: Mommy, is the baby coming in July?
M: Yes, Rachel.
R: and then we're going to Grandma's house?
M: Yes, Rachel.
R: and what day is it today?
M: Today is a Wednesday in May.
R: May. June. July! Baby comes and we go to Grandma's. Then August, September, October! Rachel's birthday. And then it's November and we will go skiing on Daddy's birthday. December Aunt Karen's birthday and Christmas! Yay!
M: Who else has birthdays in October?
R: ME! and Teagan. and Cooper and Nana and Baby Paige (that's Barney's little girl who was just visiting).
M: Great job.
R: So if today is Wednesday, what day is it tomorrow.
M: Thursday.
R: and then Friday - Mommy... on Friday will it be July?
3) 7:25pm Sunday night, driving home from dinner and shopping in Boulder.
M: Rachel, what would you like for bedtime snack as soon as we get home?
R: Um... let's review our options for snack when we get home in a few minutes.
M: ok
R: do we have pancakes?
M: no honey
R: what are my choices? I need to review the options.
May 15, 2013
May, Moms, Mayhem, Mysteries
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| With great weather comes the hot air balloons in town... this one landed 200ft from our yard! |
Two weeks ago we considered not going to work because of snow. Last week it poured with rain. The last three days have been in the 80s. Gotta love the weather here!
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| Trying to stand still for a picture |
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| Measuring Nunu to see how tall he is |
We haven't posted as many pictures or videos of Rachel recently, partly because I don't know how to get pictures off my iphone on to this blog, and partly because we have had trouble posting videos that you can actually see.
Also Rachel isn't making it easy. It's harder than ever to get her to be still, and she is trying to smile which makes her face do funny faces and awkward looks more often than not. Or in this first video, where she is trying to 'see' the bunny outside by squinting up her face strangely...
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| Awkward smile from toddler |
Rachel has moved into an older classroom at school, named the Cedars room, and has new older friends and a new older playground.
Potty training seems to be pretty solid and we are happy that most days now we are accident-free!
My own Mother's Day has included a morning snuggle with my family, a cute card from Rachel, yummy treat from Jason, well wishes from friends and family, a walk in the sunshine with our family, going for frozen custard, and prenatal yoga. We then spoke with the grandmothers in our lives to wish them well and thank them for all their love and support.
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| Rachel, her Mamma and a 33 week bump |
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| Rachel is a big girl and doesn't like riding in the stroller as much |
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| Daddy and Rachel walking |
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| Rachel's first ever ice cream cone |
Also, on Monday, Jason's school had a bomb scare. By that I mean that a real explosive was found in the school. The school was safely evacuated and all kids were sent home. The FBI and bomb-squad safely detonated the bomb, and the 16 year old male student responsible for this was arrested. Thank the lord that nobody was hurt. Scary stuff.
A lot of our time right now is dedicated to preparing for the birth. Theoretically, we have 7 weeks to go. We started our hypno-babies birthing class, which is every Sat afternoon for 3.5 hours. This past weekend, our neighbors graciously watched Rachel for a couple hours on Saturday until my lovely friend Kaitlyn was able to come over and watch her for another couple of hours so we could go. The class is informative but also does a lot to promote relaxation, a positive attitude, and confidence for a terrific birth. Every night I have about an hour of homework to do, and it really has made me more confident. I feel relaxed and excited about the upcoming birth. It's very empowering, and I feel a true sense of peace and calm.
Upcoming stuff:
Jason has 1.5 weeks of school left. Rachel will be in daycare until May 31 and then will be out of care with Daddy for the month of June, and then all of us until September. I plan to work as long as I can and as much as I can until the baby comes. We hope to fit in one more outdoor adventure on Memorial Day long weekend as a family before we 'settle in' to real baby preparation mode. Jason will run a 30 mile race on June 1st.
May 6, 2013
Getting ready...
I'm 32 weeks pregnant week and things are starting to feel more and more real. There really IS a baby inside me and it won't be long before it tries to come out! Wow!
I'm trying hard to enjoy my pregnancy, and cherish this miracle, since I don't plan on being pregnant again. My pelvis is much happier than it was 4 weeks ago. I am exhausted and somewhat more emotional than I am used to. Sleep comes easily and could go on and on and on. I have had days of nausea and no appetite. I have had some Braxton Hicks contractions. The baby is kicking a lot, but not with the intensity that I seem to recall with Rachel's pregnancy. I have been light headed often. I am still doing pretty well at work, except when I forget about my belly and go to demonstrate some exercise that I clearly cannot do anymore. My belly is growing pretty rapidly now. My outfits are full of interesting choices, especially with Colorado weather varying from 80 degree heat one day to snow or thundershowers another. Today I thought it was going to be cool, so I wore winter pants and boots, and I was sweating all afternoon.
It's hard not to compare pregnancies and wonder if this upcoming birth will be like Rachel's. In the summer of 2010, we moved to Virginia short term to be with family. I had at least 6 weeks off work, and came home at about 32 weeks. I remember that summer being incredibly hot with lots of yoga and swimming. At the time, I do remember being very tired, but it was also a very emotional family time. When we returned home to Penticton, Jason did Ironman, I returned to work but was not particularly busy, and we busied ourselves with preparations for the baby.
I just read through some journal entries prior to Rachel's birth and my birth story with her. I also just recently read the birth story of our cousin Kelly Ray, who gave birth to Liv Ray 2 weeks ago in Denver. I enjoyed the read and found some similarities and some differences between her experience and mine.
People will tell you that after you deliver a baby that you will forget the pain. That there will be this magical moment when you hold your baby and the miracle of holding the baby will remove any unpleasant memories from your mind about labor. It's all a lie. I have had 2.5 years to remember the labor and how intense it was. I am not particularly proud of the birth, although I am very thankful that all went 'well' in the sense that Rachel was safe and born without any complications.
I remember sucking back as much nitrous oxide as possible, not being able to stay calm or relaxed or find a position of comfort. I remember things being so fast and so intense that I was scared because it was so out of control. I remember begging for pain medication and being thrilled at the idea of taking fentanyl, which I did take, and it did help take the edge off.
When people tell me things like 'your second baby will come faster than your first' as though that's supposed to be a good thing, I panic. I do not want a faster birth. I'd like to have a chance to practice getting through a contraction and then having a chance to recover in the break before the next one. When I look back at my birth of Rachel, I don't remember any breaks after about 8am. I suppose there must have been some, but to me, after my water broke before 11am, there were definitely no breaks. I just remember feeling like I was drowning in uncontrollable pain, and for one of the first times in my whole life, I couldn't will my body to change anything that gave me any control or relief from the pain.
Only recently have I started telling myself 'I can do this' when it comes to the idea of birthing another baby. In fact, I would say I'm starting to get genuinely excited for the challenge of the birth. I really want to do it without any medication this time. But until a few weeks ago, only terror and not-so-great memories filled my mind. I am trying to clear myself of this fear and stay open minded to what may come. Doesn't it sound like I'm doing a good job?!
My focus in 'getting ready for the baby' is very different from before. I will be booking patients until as late as July 5, and plan to work 36 hours per week (face to face time) until then. I will stay on top of all my patients and charting in case something happens early and another therapist needs to take over for me. It's in our best interest financially for me to work as long as possible, before taking time off without pay.
My biggest concerns this time include Rachel, and how we will best deal with her. Nana will be here from June 25 onward, so that will be great. If the baby should come before then, we will depend on neighbors or friends to watch Rachel at the last minute and hope that she will be ok until we can go back and get her. I'm not entirely comfortable with this, and I will need to let go and trust that she will be fine in whatever situation arises so I can focus on the baby. Since we have just one car, also, there will probably be a time when Jason leaves me with the baby in the hospital to retrieve Rachel (and maybe Nana) to come and meet the baby. Then, we will try our best to balance Rachel's emotions and the impact of having a new sibling with her needs. We will be celebrating the excitement of Rachel being a 'big sister' as much as we can, with gifts and cards and celebrations for her rather than too many new things for the baby.
Transport is a bit interesting. I typically drive myself to Boulder with our one car, and Jason bikes. We share dropping Rachel off or picking her up. Should I go into labor at work, I would likely have to drive myself to the hospital and Jason would need to find a ride to the hospital and then a friend would have to get Rachel, but may not have a car seat for her or any of her stuff. It's not like in Penticton where every drive was 5-10 minutes. Most drives in our life are 20-30 minutes around here, which is much more significant. The drive to the hospital last time with contractions after my water had broke was possibly the worst part of it all. I'd rather not have to be in that much discomfort after leaving Rachel for an unknown time frame to have to suffer for 20 minutes to get to our hospital.
Health insurance is another consideration. I will have my health insurance until June 30 and then switch to Jason's health insurance as of July 1. So, depending on the timing, the costs associated with the delivery could be different. We've decided not to worry about this, and hope that it won't be too different.
Packing list. I'm starting to put together our hospital bag and the nursery is ready to go. I bought an 'old lady' night gown with buttons in the front for easy access nursing for immediately after the delivery. I'm actually falling in love with this night gown because it's so comfy, despite the fact that it's very unattractive. But since nothing is particularly attractive with a large belly, it's ok.
Other 'stuff'. We haven't decided on a bassinet or exactly where the baby will sleep. We haven't decided on a name. We don't have an infant bath. But, we also don't plan on being home much during the first 2-3 months. As soon as we're mobile, we're driving to Virginia to see family. This road trip is growing in its plan and may include as many as 17 states! So it's not worth buying anything like a bath or a bassinet if we aren't going to be home to use it.
Mental preparation for the delivery. Our 'hypnobabies' birth class starts this weekend. It is going to be every Saturday afternoon from 2:30-6pm for the next 6 weeks. We have a sitter arranged for Rachel for the first week only so far. I have been listening to my audio CDs some nights to prepare. One CD is called 'my special safe place' and is basically a thorough relaxation practice. I have stayed awake for the whole thing once. The other is called 'comfortable birthing' or something similar and I haven't stayed awake for it at all. The idea is to become very good at relaxing, and to shift a mindset around birth from pain and horror to 'pressure' and 'rushes'. So far I usually get to breathing in and out for about 3 minutes and then I'm totally asleep. Oops!
Anyway, there should be about 8 weeks to go. In my nature, I keep imagining what would happen if the baby decided to show up next week and how we would cope. But really, the baby should stay put a while longer and let Jason finish the school year and have time to prepare for next year. I should have time to finish my work, let us hire someone to take over my job, and have time to get myself ready.
We'll keep you posted!
I'm trying hard to enjoy my pregnancy, and cherish this miracle, since I don't plan on being pregnant again. My pelvis is much happier than it was 4 weeks ago. I am exhausted and somewhat more emotional than I am used to. Sleep comes easily and could go on and on and on. I have had days of nausea and no appetite. I have had some Braxton Hicks contractions. The baby is kicking a lot, but not with the intensity that I seem to recall with Rachel's pregnancy. I have been light headed often. I am still doing pretty well at work, except when I forget about my belly and go to demonstrate some exercise that I clearly cannot do anymore. My belly is growing pretty rapidly now. My outfits are full of interesting choices, especially with Colorado weather varying from 80 degree heat one day to snow or thundershowers another. Today I thought it was going to be cool, so I wore winter pants and boots, and I was sweating all afternoon.
It's hard not to compare pregnancies and wonder if this upcoming birth will be like Rachel's. In the summer of 2010, we moved to Virginia short term to be with family. I had at least 6 weeks off work, and came home at about 32 weeks. I remember that summer being incredibly hot with lots of yoga and swimming. At the time, I do remember being very tired, but it was also a very emotional family time. When we returned home to Penticton, Jason did Ironman, I returned to work but was not particularly busy, and we busied ourselves with preparations for the baby.
I just read through some journal entries prior to Rachel's birth and my birth story with her. I also just recently read the birth story of our cousin Kelly Ray, who gave birth to Liv Ray 2 weeks ago in Denver. I enjoyed the read and found some similarities and some differences between her experience and mine.
People will tell you that after you deliver a baby that you will forget the pain. That there will be this magical moment when you hold your baby and the miracle of holding the baby will remove any unpleasant memories from your mind about labor. It's all a lie. I have had 2.5 years to remember the labor and how intense it was. I am not particularly proud of the birth, although I am very thankful that all went 'well' in the sense that Rachel was safe and born without any complications.
I remember sucking back as much nitrous oxide as possible, not being able to stay calm or relaxed or find a position of comfort. I remember things being so fast and so intense that I was scared because it was so out of control. I remember begging for pain medication and being thrilled at the idea of taking fentanyl, which I did take, and it did help take the edge off.
When people tell me things like 'your second baby will come faster than your first' as though that's supposed to be a good thing, I panic. I do not want a faster birth. I'd like to have a chance to practice getting through a contraction and then having a chance to recover in the break before the next one. When I look back at my birth of Rachel, I don't remember any breaks after about 8am. I suppose there must have been some, but to me, after my water broke before 11am, there were definitely no breaks. I just remember feeling like I was drowning in uncontrollable pain, and for one of the first times in my whole life, I couldn't will my body to change anything that gave me any control or relief from the pain.
Only recently have I started telling myself 'I can do this' when it comes to the idea of birthing another baby. In fact, I would say I'm starting to get genuinely excited for the challenge of the birth. I really want to do it without any medication this time. But until a few weeks ago, only terror and not-so-great memories filled my mind. I am trying to clear myself of this fear and stay open minded to what may come. Doesn't it sound like I'm doing a good job?!
My focus in 'getting ready for the baby' is very different from before. I will be booking patients until as late as July 5, and plan to work 36 hours per week (face to face time) until then. I will stay on top of all my patients and charting in case something happens early and another therapist needs to take over for me. It's in our best interest financially for me to work as long as possible, before taking time off without pay.
My biggest concerns this time include Rachel, and how we will best deal with her. Nana will be here from June 25 onward, so that will be great. If the baby should come before then, we will depend on neighbors or friends to watch Rachel at the last minute and hope that she will be ok until we can go back and get her. I'm not entirely comfortable with this, and I will need to let go and trust that she will be fine in whatever situation arises so I can focus on the baby. Since we have just one car, also, there will probably be a time when Jason leaves me with the baby in the hospital to retrieve Rachel (and maybe Nana) to come and meet the baby. Then, we will try our best to balance Rachel's emotions and the impact of having a new sibling with her needs. We will be celebrating the excitement of Rachel being a 'big sister' as much as we can, with gifts and cards and celebrations for her rather than too many new things for the baby.
Transport is a bit interesting. I typically drive myself to Boulder with our one car, and Jason bikes. We share dropping Rachel off or picking her up. Should I go into labor at work, I would likely have to drive myself to the hospital and Jason would need to find a ride to the hospital and then a friend would have to get Rachel, but may not have a car seat for her or any of her stuff. It's not like in Penticton where every drive was 5-10 minutes. Most drives in our life are 20-30 minutes around here, which is much more significant. The drive to the hospital last time with contractions after my water had broke was possibly the worst part of it all. I'd rather not have to be in that much discomfort after leaving Rachel for an unknown time frame to have to suffer for 20 minutes to get to our hospital.
Health insurance is another consideration. I will have my health insurance until June 30 and then switch to Jason's health insurance as of July 1. So, depending on the timing, the costs associated with the delivery could be different. We've decided not to worry about this, and hope that it won't be too different.
Packing list. I'm starting to put together our hospital bag and the nursery is ready to go. I bought an 'old lady' night gown with buttons in the front for easy access nursing for immediately after the delivery. I'm actually falling in love with this night gown because it's so comfy, despite the fact that it's very unattractive. But since nothing is particularly attractive with a large belly, it's ok.
Other 'stuff'. We haven't decided on a bassinet or exactly where the baby will sleep. We haven't decided on a name. We don't have an infant bath. But, we also don't plan on being home much during the first 2-3 months. As soon as we're mobile, we're driving to Virginia to see family. This road trip is growing in its plan and may include as many as 17 states! So it's not worth buying anything like a bath or a bassinet if we aren't going to be home to use it.
Mental preparation for the delivery. Our 'hypnobabies' birth class starts this weekend. It is going to be every Saturday afternoon from 2:30-6pm for the next 6 weeks. We have a sitter arranged for Rachel for the first week only so far. I have been listening to my audio CDs some nights to prepare. One CD is called 'my special safe place' and is basically a thorough relaxation practice. I have stayed awake for the whole thing once. The other is called 'comfortable birthing' or something similar and I haven't stayed awake for it at all. The idea is to become very good at relaxing, and to shift a mindset around birth from pain and horror to 'pressure' and 'rushes'. So far I usually get to breathing in and out for about 3 minutes and then I'm totally asleep. Oops!
Anyway, there should be about 8 weeks to go. In my nature, I keep imagining what would happen if the baby decided to show up next week and how we would cope. But really, the baby should stay put a while longer and let Jason finish the school year and have time to prepare for next year. I should have time to finish my work, let us hire someone to take over my job, and have time to get myself ready.
We'll keep you posted!
May 1, 2013
Note to self - Appreciate what we have
Based on several comments I have received lately, it has become apparent that I haven't quite been myself lately. Or at least, I have presented a more negative version of myself than I intend. I think, at times, in order to try and be funny, I paint a picture of parent-hood that seems full of suffering. In fact, our Rachel is awesome and Jason and I love her more than we can imagine.
Here are some interesting things that I have witnessed recently that have encouraged me to appreciate what I do have even more. Some are small, some are big.
1) Barney visiting
My friend Steph was recently visiting with her 6 month old Paige. I kept watching Steph (aka Barney) be such a calm and happy mother the whole time she was here. She seemed to genuinely love spending time with her daughter, despite travel/new foods/no partner/snow storms. I watched Barney giggle as she watched her girl. I watched Barney smile and laugh and be patient and energetic playing with Rachel.
I wondered why I wasn't more like that. Am I? Was I when Rachel was 6 months? When did I get so tired that I forgot to giggle with Rachel and everything seemed to have become a race or a chore? Where has all my energy gone?
Note to self - giggle more.
2) 2 patients with serious trauma
In the last 2 days I have had the honor of meeting 2 new patients with tragic stories.
Patient #1 fell asleep at the wheel in December and woke up in hospital 10 days later to learn that he had hit another car head on and his wife, who had been his passenger, was killed in the accident. Isn't that awful? This poor man is still recovering from spinal and facial fractures and his jaw is wired shut. He is trying to put himself back together physically and mentally, and seems to be doing a pretty good job. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings involved for him in this scenario.
Note to self - hug Jason.
Patient #2 is a young man who was hit by another car that turned into his motorcycle last summer. He sustained fractures of his forearm, shoulder, hip, thigh, ribs, neck, and has had many surgeries to these parts and to his knee and foot. He came in with a smile on his face and calmly told me the whole story and all the medical events since. He is walking with a cane and slowly trying to learn to walk better, move his joints more, and return to a 'normal' life for a person in their late 20s. Today he rode the stationary bike in the clinic for 2 minutes and was overjoyed at being able to bike again.
Note to self - remember this next time I get on my bike.
3) Watching Jason be a great Dad and a great husband
The last 2-3 days have hit me with unexpected nausea, light headedness, lack of appetite, and extreme fatigue. I came home late from work Monday night and found Rachel and Jason laughing and running around playing a fun game where Rachel hides in a big blanket and Jason drags her around the house calling her a giant snake. Jason seems to have endless energy to repeat tasks over and over as Rachel yells "AGAIN! Daddy - pull me again!"
Last night I napped from 6-7pm while Jason played with Rachel and read her story after story after story.
Note to self - be patient with Rachel's tendency to repeat or play with the same things over and over and over again. Enjoy her. Hug Jason.
4) Melissa passing away
Someone I know from Penticton died of cancer today. Her husband Will worked at the local bike shop and was such a sweet guy. I only met Melissa a couple of times but she was lovely. As a couple, they met 6 years ago, dated, got engaged, got married, had a child named Sophie. I believe Melissa was pregnant with their second child Liam when I was nearly due with Rachel. I remember Sophie looking at my large tummy and asking her Mommy if the baby had a toothbrush, a bed, or clothes in there.
A year ago Melissa was diagnosed with cancer. 3 weeks ago she reported being optimistic about her treatment options and plans for the upcoming months. Last week they were still hopeful. Today she is gone. I have no idea how Will could possibly function right now, losing his dear wife and having to explain to his two children that their mommy was now in heaven. I'm not sure how he will manage to go on without her. I hope that he can learn to love looking at his kids and seeing Melissa reflected within them.
Note to self - hug Jason. Appreciate each little moment we have with the people we love.
5) Hearing about H's new baby brother
Friends of ours just recently had their second boy. The older brother we will call 'H' and he and Rachel are friends. I asked the Dad yesterday how things were going, and he said the dynamics were going well but the whole process felt strange and more emotional than he had expected.
He said when he left the house to go to the hospital with his wife to deliver the baby, they said goodbye to "H" and left him with his grandma. Both parents left the house crying, knowing that there would never be a time again when it was just the three of them, and that their family was about to change forever. Then the baby was born, all was well, and the parents were overcome with emotion and instant love for the new boy. But both parents are trying to figure out how to spread their love and attention between both brothers. The Dad said something like "I don't really know if I can manage to love my wife, my first son, and now my second son as much as I do. I love my wife and my first son so much - can I love this new little one that much, too? I guess I already do, but it is strange."
Note to self - will it be weird to leave Rachel and go to the hospital to change our family dynamic? (I don't really think so.) At the moment I'm wondering who we will leave her with, how she will cope with that, when the baby might come, how we will get her to the hospital to meet the baby, how she will react, how to make it easiest for her, and how we will manage to give her as much attention as we can while we care for a newborn. How will I possibly explain to her that I can't play with her or pick her up or get her something right away because I'm busy nursing or changing her sibling's diaper? Other people seem to manage and I know we will, too... but I am most worried about being unable to give Rachel the attention from me that she is used to getting.
Anyway, hug the people around you that you love. Appreciate what you have.
Here are some interesting things that I have witnessed recently that have encouraged me to appreciate what I do have even more. Some are small, some are big.
1) Barney visiting
My friend Steph was recently visiting with her 6 month old Paige. I kept watching Steph (aka Barney) be such a calm and happy mother the whole time she was here. She seemed to genuinely love spending time with her daughter, despite travel/new foods/no partner/snow storms. I watched Barney giggle as she watched her girl. I watched Barney smile and laugh and be patient and energetic playing with Rachel.
I wondered why I wasn't more like that. Am I? Was I when Rachel was 6 months? When did I get so tired that I forgot to giggle with Rachel and everything seemed to have become a race or a chore? Where has all my energy gone?
Note to self - giggle more.
2) 2 patients with serious trauma
In the last 2 days I have had the honor of meeting 2 new patients with tragic stories.
Patient #1 fell asleep at the wheel in December and woke up in hospital 10 days later to learn that he had hit another car head on and his wife, who had been his passenger, was killed in the accident. Isn't that awful? This poor man is still recovering from spinal and facial fractures and his jaw is wired shut. He is trying to put himself back together physically and mentally, and seems to be doing a pretty good job. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings involved for him in this scenario.
Note to self - hug Jason.
Patient #2 is a young man who was hit by another car that turned into his motorcycle last summer. He sustained fractures of his forearm, shoulder, hip, thigh, ribs, neck, and has had many surgeries to these parts and to his knee and foot. He came in with a smile on his face and calmly told me the whole story and all the medical events since. He is walking with a cane and slowly trying to learn to walk better, move his joints more, and return to a 'normal' life for a person in their late 20s. Today he rode the stationary bike in the clinic for 2 minutes and was overjoyed at being able to bike again.
Note to self - remember this next time I get on my bike.
3) Watching Jason be a great Dad and a great husband
The last 2-3 days have hit me with unexpected nausea, light headedness, lack of appetite, and extreme fatigue. I came home late from work Monday night and found Rachel and Jason laughing and running around playing a fun game where Rachel hides in a big blanket and Jason drags her around the house calling her a giant snake. Jason seems to have endless energy to repeat tasks over and over as Rachel yells "AGAIN! Daddy - pull me again!"
Last night I napped from 6-7pm while Jason played with Rachel and read her story after story after story.
Note to self - be patient with Rachel's tendency to repeat or play with the same things over and over and over again. Enjoy her. Hug Jason.
4) Melissa passing away
Someone I know from Penticton died of cancer today. Her husband Will worked at the local bike shop and was such a sweet guy. I only met Melissa a couple of times but she was lovely. As a couple, they met 6 years ago, dated, got engaged, got married, had a child named Sophie. I believe Melissa was pregnant with their second child Liam when I was nearly due with Rachel. I remember Sophie looking at my large tummy and asking her Mommy if the baby had a toothbrush, a bed, or clothes in there.
A year ago Melissa was diagnosed with cancer. 3 weeks ago she reported being optimistic about her treatment options and plans for the upcoming months. Last week they were still hopeful. Today she is gone. I have no idea how Will could possibly function right now, losing his dear wife and having to explain to his two children that their mommy was now in heaven. I'm not sure how he will manage to go on without her. I hope that he can learn to love looking at his kids and seeing Melissa reflected within them.
Note to self - hug Jason. Appreciate each little moment we have with the people we love.
5) Hearing about H's new baby brother
Friends of ours just recently had their second boy. The older brother we will call 'H' and he and Rachel are friends. I asked the Dad yesterday how things were going, and he said the dynamics were going well but the whole process felt strange and more emotional than he had expected.
He said when he left the house to go to the hospital with his wife to deliver the baby, they said goodbye to "H" and left him with his grandma. Both parents left the house crying, knowing that there would never be a time again when it was just the three of them, and that their family was about to change forever. Then the baby was born, all was well, and the parents were overcome with emotion and instant love for the new boy. But both parents are trying to figure out how to spread their love and attention between both brothers. The Dad said something like "I don't really know if I can manage to love my wife, my first son, and now my second son as much as I do. I love my wife and my first son so much - can I love this new little one that much, too? I guess I already do, but it is strange."
Note to self - will it be weird to leave Rachel and go to the hospital to change our family dynamic? (I don't really think so.) At the moment I'm wondering who we will leave her with, how she will cope with that, when the baby might come, how we will get her to the hospital to meet the baby, how she will react, how to make it easiest for her, and how we will manage to give her as much attention as we can while we care for a newborn. How will I possibly explain to her that I can't play with her or pick her up or get her something right away because I'm busy nursing or changing her sibling's diaper? Other people seem to manage and I know we will, too... but I am most worried about being unable to give Rachel the attention from me that she is used to getting.
Anyway, hug the people around you that you love. Appreciate what you have.
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