Surrendering to the Source

This is a long post all about my prep for childbirth and my thoughts on it at 34 weeks.  It's not particularly funny and has nothing to do with Rachel.

Monday night at prenatal yoga, our teacher asked us what we might draw on during our birth.  She specifically asked us to share what we thought of as our 'Source'.  She described this as 'something that is bigger than yourself - something possibly outside of our tangible world.  For some, this may be God.  For some, a spirit.'  How can you relate to that and find strength from it when you are challenged during your birthing time?

Phew.  What a question!

Let me back up and say that I am learning more and more that I believe success during my birthing time might be in my ability to surrender.  Until recently, I think everything in my life has been accomplished by hard work and grit.  I have always believed that success in life comes from setting a goal and working your butt off until you achieve this goal.  Work hard in school to get good grades.  Get good grades to apply to PT school.  In PT school and afterward, study hard to become a better clinician.  As an athlete, train hard until I reach my goals.  I believe I made the national team because I worked really hard on some particular skills and worked hard enough on my fitness to make the team.  I believe our team worked hard together.

Some things are not within my control.  So I have always been careful to try and set my goals in a specific way.  For example, I rarely set the goal: 'we will beat Argentina tomorrow'.  I set goals instead like 'move my feet to make good tackles' - things that were about the process, because I could not control the outcome.  I could not control what my teammates might do that day, what calls the umpire might make, or what the other team might do.  I could only control my own actions, and work my butt off to do my very best.

When I went into my birthing time with Rachel, I believed that I would succeed if I was physically tough enough or strong enough to 'win'.  Essentially, I saw the discomfort of labor as a challenge and one that I was ready to beat because I was tough.  I believed in my body and thought that I could work with it to kick butt against that enemy called labor.  And on paper, my birth with Rachel was quite good.  She was healthy, I was healthy.  But I'm not sure this attitude set me up for success.

This time, instead of thinking of being physically tough, I'm trying to relax.  My job is to simply relax and let my body do what it knows how to do - get this baby out comfortable, easily, and safely.  I just have to relax.  Not control anything.  Not win.  Not fight.  Surrender.  Have faith.  Breathe.  Be calm.  Relax my body.  Let everything go.

This baby is supposed to be here in 6 weeks, and the baby is head down, dropped, and feels like it's pushing at the door and raring to get out.  I'm not in any hurry.  I have a lot to get done at work still.  I want to cherish this feeling of the miracle of pregnancy and the craziness of feeling the baby kick.  I believe the baby will come when it's ready and I'm good with that.

But I can't pretend it doesn't unnerve me to have the 'big day' be totally uncertain.  It could be anytime in the next 8 weeks.  I'm a wee bit of a planner.  I love schedules.  I love lists and plans and times.  Jason calls me the most goal oriented person he's ever met.  It's true: I'm pretty focused.  It's a challenge for me to let go and just be totally ok with the idea that the baby will just come when it comes.  And if history repeats itself, once labor starts, things are likely to move fast.  All of that is outside of my control.  So this whole thing is a big old test on letting things go, relaxing, and going with things when they happen.  I can't really prepare too much more than I already am.

Here's what I've done in the last five days that is related to getting ready for this baby (most of this is a required part of our very-intense HypnoBirthing class)
- Sat 3.5 hours hypnobabies class, including getting a sitter, having Jason leave early for graduation and needing a ride there
- 30 pages of reading on Sunday
- communication exercise with Jason Sunday
- listening to a 30 min audio CD called 'Positive Affirmations for Pregnancy and Childbirth' in the car on Mon, Tues, Wed
- listening to a 30 min audio CD 2 nights called 'Deep Relaxation'
- prenatal yoga class Sunday and Monday
- squats, kegals, self massage, and other stretches daily
- keeping track of everything I eat and recording all my protein intake
- drinking as much water as I can
- counting the baby kicks once per day
- hospital preadmission meeting today for 1 hour at hospital
- scheduling more appointments with my midwife/Dr group for my next few checkups
- sleeping on my left side

So... what is my Source?  What do I believe is the energy or spirit out there that I will draw on when I am challenged?  What will help me relax and trust and surrender to this process, to my body, to the baby?

I don't have a summarized, eloquent answer, but a lot of thoughts.  Options:

1) Nature

I love being outside.  I see beauty in nature and it charges my batteries.  Going for a hike in the mountains, seeing the colors of the sunrise, watching the moon and stars, hearing the ocean waves lap on to the shore, watching animals in the wild, being far away from concrete all make me feel good.  All these things help me connect with nature, and the beauty of it.  All of these things are bigger than me and amaze me.  Perhaps Mother Nature is a caregiver to me.  Perhaps it makes me feel closer to God and our creation and life as a force.

But I'm giving birth in a clean room in a hospital, and doubt that I'll be dreaming of bunny rabbits and the smell of the forest while I'm birthing this baby.

2) The Amazing Human Body
I think the human body is fantastic.  All of its processes interest me, inspire me, and leave me in awe.  I really can't express this passion strongly enough.  Pregnancy and birth are pretty high up there on the list of amazing things our bodies can do.  I study the human body every day.  Things that many people find gross really interest me.  I trust that our bodies can do what they were meant to do.  I sincerely believe that a woman's body is created to give birth (among many other things), and I trust my body to do this well.

3) God
A challenging thing for me to express.  And I must say, in writing this I am a little nervous that I might offend someone.  I do believe in God.  I do feel comfort from prayer.  I never went to organized church and don't know much about religion.  I guess I might say I'm Christian, with a loose and liberal definition of the term.  I believe that God is watching out for me and my family and the goodness of the world.  I don't actually believe that God created life, but I do love the story of creation, much like a well-loved fairy tale or Santa.  I do believe in the life of Jesus Christ and believe that the lessons of the bible set good values for us to follow.

But there is too much sorrow and confusion, war and unfairness in the world for me to trust God unconditionally.  Also, I really believe that God must be too busy to deal with me most of the time because there are such huge problems out there.  I don't like the idea of giving money to churches exactly and I don't like to follow the rules that are often set by structured religious ceremonies or cultures.  I don't understand how there can be a God when there is cancer and war and rape and horrible things that happen to people.  It's a flaw that catches me every time in my faith.  So my faith remains weak very often.  So I don't draw on this 'Source' very often.

4) Angels
I do believe that there are spirits watching out for me.  I believe that my grandmother, both my grandparents, and Ray Oliver are all up there somewhere.  I believe I can access them for help.  I believe that they will listen.  I believe that their spirit and great qualities live in me, my daughter, and this new baby.    I believe these spirits help my world be better, and I can depend on them to comfort me if needed.

Today would have been Ray's 60th birthday.  I feel really ripped off that he isn't still here, and it makes me so sad to think that Jason doesn't get his Dad and Rachel doesn't get her Grandfather.  I am still angry that such a terrific person got taken away from this world and a lot of mean, sucky people got to live instead.  But I know that Ray would not want me to think that way.  I know instead he would be calm, and smile, and say something wise and positive.

So I draw comfort from the loved ones we have lost.  But I don't want any of these people present with me when I'm giving birth, so I don't think that applies here.

5)Jason
Jason is the one thing that I definitely want with me during this birthing time.  I want Jason with me when I am scared, or hurt, or sad.  I want him with me when I am happy, to share my joy.  I need him there to advocate for me and the baby, because he has a strong voice and will ask for help if needed.  He makes me feel safe.  His touch and his voice are comforting to me.  He will share his strength with me.  He will comfort me.  He will understand me.  I can depend on him and I want and need him there during any challenging time or amazing time, and this is likely to be both.

6) Belief in good things / fate?
I believe in good energy and the energy of life and people.  I believe in karma.  I believe in fate.  I believe that all things happen for a reason, even if we may not like it or understand it for a while.  I believe that some closed doors open other doors of opportunity.
I generally believe that people are good in their hearts and have good intentions.  I trust that good things are likely to happen to me.  I believe that the people we meet in life are there to teach us things and learn from us.  I trust that some force will take care of me.
I think that older folks have lessons to teach us.  I believe that friends are there to share with.  I believe that little people are there to make us laugh and appreciate life.  I believe that babies are cute, and that nurturing them is healing for us.

So, at 34 weeks, I feel pretty positive about the Sources around me and my life, taking care of me and taking care of many.