Sorry, this post isn't about Rachel or Ava. It's about me (Meggan) and my next physical journey.
As I've mentioned before, I'm a pretty focused person. I love to set goals and work hard until those goals are achieved. I do it in little ways, like with daily to-do lists, and in big ways, with large written up goals and plans on how to succeed in achieving them. I try not to set goals that I cannot control. I generally try not to worry about the things in life that I cannot control, and just do the very best with the things that I can control.
I consider myself a pretty successful person. I've had loads of success in achieving the goals I have set for myself. And for those that haven't been achieved, it either a) drives me crazy, b) motivates me to keep going until I do succeed again, c) make amends to come to terms with the failure in some way, or d) realize that I set a bad goal and things were out of my control.
Example: Loving someone and not having them love you back. Love is not something that fits into the model of work-hard-until-you-win. It's a two-way street and you can't change the way other people feel. It's dumb to set goals like "I'm going to win that person over". But it still sucks to experience love that isn't reciprocated. For me, though, any trouble with love ended when I met Jason, and all old wounds disappeared. Amends made.
Example: Not qualifying for the Olympics. You could argue that setting a goal of going to the Olympics in team sports is a bad goal to set. It's an outcome-based goal, not a process-based goal, which is tricky. There are many factors outside of your control, so really, it's better to aim to play your best in order to help your team qualify. But I lived many years of my life expecting to go to the 2004 Athens Games. I don't know how I would have made it through training without this focus. The devastation I experienced in 2003 when we did not qualify really changed me. This is the biggest disappointment I've ever had and, although I've come to accept it, it's been tough to make amends. The best thing I did was to go to PT school in 2004, and I had an amazing class and an amazing time with that. So joining that first MPT class was a bit like my Plan B, and it worked out well. It doesn't quite work, but when I'm sad that I didn't go to the Olympics, I think of my great friends like April and Jess from school and the rest of my awesome classmates, and that helps.
Example: Losing weight. In 2001 I stepped on to a weigh scale at a national team camp and my coach announced to all around that I weighed way too much. I didn't make the team that year and was told to get in shape and lose some weight and I would make the team then. I agreed that I needed to get in better shape, and I did. But for the next year I paid attention to my weight more than what was healthy, and I wasn't very kind to myself. I was also surrounded by people who were obsessed with their weight and their fitness levels, and it was a strange world to be a part of. Thankfully, my closest friends at that time kept me smart and I stayed out of any trouble in this area. At the time, making the team and doing better on some fitness tests the next year made it all work out.
Weight in and of itself isn't something I give much credit to. One day in 1997 in Korea at the Junior World Cup, I lost 8 pounds. I had to drink an incredible amount of liquid in the next three days to get my weight back up again. So I don't really give much credit to a 2-3 pound gain or loss for anyone. My weight since college has been very consistent, despite different levels of fitness, different fit of clothing, and different looks of my body. I think how I feel, how fit I am, how strong I am, and how I look are much more important to me than a number on a scale.
Example: Running/fitness tests. From 1995 until 2000, I ran a lot of timed 5000m. I hated them. I was once told that every player on the senior national team needed to run under 21 minutes. I've never been a fast runner. I've never performed particularly well on any fitness test. And although I believe I played 70 minutes of international hockey at a decent and satisfactory level of fitness for many years, I could never perform well on a timed 5000m. I'm embarrassed to say that I consistently failed in running a 5000m in less than 23 minutes. It was a focus of mine for many years and I have many, many times like 23:02 (PB), 23:04, 23:06, 23:08. My worst ever time was 24:44, which is a pretty terrible time for anyone wearing a national team jersey. I beat myself up over this situation for the longest time. When we switched to the 'beep test', I felt less stressed and happier but had very inconsistent results. Fitness tests were the hugest source of stress for me as a national team athlete and I had the absolute hardest mental time with them that I never could shake. I still feel bad that my most recent one when I joined the team again briefly in 2008/2009 was a pretty pitiful result and I felt like a terrible person.
I did my best to resolve this feeling of ongoing failures to run a marathon in 2011, just 9 months after Rachel was born. It may be stupid to some other people, but in completing the marathon I felt strong. It seemed that I had to have some level of fitness and running ability in me if I could run a marathon. Even though it wasn't pretty and my time wasn't anything to be particularly proud of, I was proud of the accomplishment. I felt fit again.
So now here I am. Post partum and feeling very ready to get fit and strong again. I gained 38 pounds during this pregnancy and have 26 extra pounds on me now after giving birth. More importantly, I am in terrible shape and have very little muscle tone or strength at all. I was so inactive during this pregnancy and other than some swimming and yoga found it very difficult to be active for the last 6 months.
I have to be careful not to do too much, too fast, as I want my body to recover strongly. I want my abdominals and pelvis to be happy with me in 5, 10, and 20 years. So I'm going to start with some fast walking, some hiking, and some strength work. As soon as I can, I will start swimming again. I'm going to continue to eat whatever I want, whenever I want because nursing Ava all the time requires calories and I have zero self control to limit myself. In August I will start biking and running again. I can hardly WAIT to start running again. I know it's going to be a tough road to get fit again after being so inactive for so many months. But I'm very excited. I want to breathe really hard, sweat, and be exhausted for great reasons again.
Goals:
- Complete a half ironman in 2014
- Lose 26 pounds and keep that weight consistent once I'm there
- Complete 15 real push ups with good form
- Complete the Pikes Peak Ascent half marathon, either in 2014 or 2015
- Hike to the top of at least one mountain >14,000ft in 2013 and more in 2014
I will keep you posted! Wish me luck!
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